First, I just want to clear up a previous comment that my friend, Michelle Kwak, posted. She said something along the lines of “I called my pastor and just because you have my church’s pen doesn’t mean you’re going to hell.” Well, apparently that came off like I STOLE A PEN FROM HER CHURCH. I didn’t. Nor did I steal that pen from her. She gave it to me for luck… shortly after telling me that she would pray for my soul. Which is not the first time I’ve heard that… which is disconcerting… Add to that the whole psychic-assault, and I’m starting to think that I should stop shoving old people and cutting off strollers.
Here’s another little oddity that might mean my soul is destined for tropical climates: every Sunday, my phone goes on the fritz so that no matter which button you hit, you end up typing “hlhlhlhlhlhlhlhl” over and over again… Every Sunday… the Lord’s day… and if you sound out “hlhlhlhl,” it sounds a lot like…
Michelle, if you’re reading, you need to pray harder. And get some friends to help you or something.
Mindy's Recipe For Disaster 
So when you stole that church’s pen, did you know you were condemning your eternal soul?
I’ll have my church fast for you. I’d join them except that i don’t believe in skipping meals =) Besides, i’d probably fall into temptation and eat a cookie… then it’ be the both of us in hlhlhlhl