Well, I survived. Two 16 year-olds, 3.5 days, and I lived to blog about it. Right up until my cousin and her friend’s plane landed, I thought I was ready for parenthood. One of my best friends is pregnant with a little bundle of adorableness and I couldn’t be anymore excited! I thought that maybe I wouldn’t be too far behind her. The past week has definitely opened my eyes. Granted, when you do give birth, you usually start with a tiny bundle of softness that while physically demanding, doesn’t challenge you the way that oh… let’s say giving birth to two, fully formed 15/16 year-olds does.
As far as teens go, mine were pretty good actually. They could have been much worse – they could have been me. Besides calling me old and seeming pretty blasé about everything that I find downright awesome (namely food), they never sleep. Never. Except in the morning when you’re trying to wake them up. And they have their own ideas and wants, and you basically just want to cater to them and make them happy. Yup, that’s the one thing that very few people tell you. Kids, babies, teens, whatever – they have some sort of magical ability to make you want to make them happy. Normal adults? Who the hell cares! I very rarely care about making most people happy, especially since most people (outside of my awesome friends) piss me off on a daily basis (I’m talking about you Miss Rude Subway-rider). My cousin was actually pretty easy-going, but every once-in-a-while, her friend would pop off some comment that was so rude and smart-ass-like that I didn’t know whether to laugh at her gall or throw a soup dumpling at her (which, FYI, she didn’t find very impressive). Yet, she was still so adorable that I found myself trying to figure out what else to show her that she might enjoy a little more. In case you’re wondering, I don’t think I found anything.
I also realized that teenagers make you feel fat. My cousin happens to be a rail and I kept wondering whether or not I had ever been that tiny. I’m pretty sure not. Her waist was smaller than anything on my body. I could have used her stretchy belt as a headband. And I also forgot how much you can eat when you have a teenager’s metabolism. I eat a lot, but DAMN! Sometimes, I almost forgot to feed them because I lost track of the time. Oh, and that’s not the only reason I’m an unfit guardian – I cursed A LOT in front of them. If they didn’t curse before, they’re certainly going to curse now. In my desperate attempts to keep them happy and entertained (which I don’t think either of them were), I also fed them mass quantities of sugar. I don’t think a single vegetable touched their lips in the 3.5 days they were with me. Of course, they were far healthier than me, opting out of having cheeseburgers for every meal.
And the shopping. I ended up spending more and buying more than they did! I try not to shop EVER because it’s tiring, time-consuming, and I just don’t have the money to burn. Of course, when it’s your duty to take other people shopping as a good host… Well… Do you know how much willpower it takes to NOT shop in those circumstances? I certainly don’t because apparently, I don’t have it. I think it’s a lot, though – much more than I can even fathom.
So there it is: two 16 year olds, 3.5 days, an enormous credit card bill, and a weekend spent napping and sleeping like a log just trying to recover. Maybe I should wait until my energy returns to start thinking about having my own children again. After all, these two girls were ANGELS compared to the havoc that I wreaked upon my parents when I was their age.