What’s a swine floozy? It’s someone who gets the swine flu and then just spreads it around town like it’s going out of style.
True to his Asian paranoid roots, my father sent me a matrix today that tells you the difference between the common cold, the seasonal flu, and our good friend Swinesy McGiggles. Long story short, swine flu is like the common cold and the seasonal flu in that in all 3 cases, you’re sick; except with the swine flu you apparently run 101+ fever, your chest burns like you’re stuck in a desert AND swallowed a cactus, and oh yeah, you get a riotous bout of the runs. Grrrreat!
Listen, all kidding aside, that actually does sound pretty bad. It at least sounds bad enough that if someone so much as hiccups on the subway, I will trample your baby carriage to get to the other side of the car. Actually, I have a very unfortunate ability (or disability) to be acutely aware of human odor… not in the BO kind of way, but just in a weird way where everyone has a unique, personalized smell. Sometimes that smell is great, and sometimes it’s not. Don’t worry, you’ll know if I’m not digging your scent cause I’ll be holding my breath and trying not to make eye contact with you while doing one of those exaggerated back-bends away like we’re playing limbo, and you’re the stick. Where’s this going? So glad you asked! When people get sick, they smell sour to me… I swear, when people are congested, they just have a very odd, very distinct, sour smell. Not good sour like pickles, either. Bad sour, like spoilage.
So if I so much as smell old, chunky milk emanating from you, I’m booking it as far away as possible. And if you have the magical combo listed above that means you’ve just won Swine Flu Bingo, do us all a favor and keep your leaky butt at home. Sure, I know, if I have such a phobia and a scent problem, I should just embrace my Asian roots and don my face mask. You know what? I’ve thought about it and even though I know I would get those, “Hey look, I know that person’s Asian cause they’re wearing a face mask!” looks from tourists in matching “I’m with stupid” shirts, it still beats the hell out of the swine flu. The only thing stopping me is that a face mask would really inhibit my ability to slurp up ramen noodles…