Last Chance: Brooklyn Beer Experiment

Just a reminder to get your tickets and then get yourselves to The Bell House tomorrow to be a part of the 1st ever Brooklyn Beer Experiment.  How can you pass up the chance to try home-brewed beers while feasting on recipes, all of which include beer in their ingredients?  The impressive Guest Judges sure aren’t going to miss out on this opportunity!

How about just going to have a great time.  Anyone who puts an audio clip of Bob Barker giving away “fabulous prizes” in the form of toasters and luggage on their prize page will definitely organize a rioutous event!  I’ll be there helping out and then helping myself everything that the Beer Experiment has to offer.  I promise to be a very willing test subject.

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How to eat a soup dumpling without burning your lips off

Remember how I said I would post about eating soup dumplings without burning your lips (resulting in a pucker like Angelina Jolie) next week? Well, not only am I off the juice boat, but now I’ve launched a missile at it and sunk that juice battleship.  Hayley and I went to work early yesterday to juice again, deciding that we would continue on a modified juice diet – you know, handful of nuts here, maybe some broth there, and everything else would be the juice.  So we made more Green Juice, but this time added mint, cilantro, and substituted cucumbers for the apples, agreeing that after a while, the first Swamp Thing was a little too sweet.  We made some beet, apple, lemon, ginger juice that was surprisingly delicious, although juiced beets always have a little bit of a dirt taste…  better described as “earthy.”  Doesn’t that sound more appetizing?

The highlight of juicing yesterday was our strawberry-almond milk.  I’m slightly lactarded, so I usually avoid drinking straight milk.  I’ll take one for the team where ice cream is involved, but straight milk is a little tough unless it’s that Lactaid stuff that stays good for like 3 months (which always freaks me out).  This was my first time having and attempting almond milk and I’m a freaking convert.  This stuff was creamy and delicious, and when we added juiced strawberries to it, there was nothing diety or cleansing about it.  ‘stuff was just goooood.  Basically, you soak raw almonds overnight in 2x as much filtered liquid.  Then you drain and rinse it several times before blending the hydrated almonds with 2x as much filtered water again.  Once puréed, you dump it into cheesecloth and (here’s the not so fun part) milk the bag, draining out all of the nutty milk.  What’s even better is if someone else does it for you so that you don’t end up with claw hands.

All of that juicing and milking was exhausting…  so Hayley and I looked up at each other over our pints of Slime Jus with a “my ancestors/parents didn’t come to this country for me to diet” look.  Before I could even get the words, “do you want to go grab lunch” out of my mouth, Hayley had somehow changed out of her chef whites into street clothes and had her purse ready.  We had to do this.  My parents came here so that I could be raised with equal (though sometimes racist) rights and a better life than they had!  And that better life includes solid foods, damnit!  Especially soup dumplings!

If you look at the vertical sign in back, it still says "New Green Bo"

If you look at the vertical sign in back, it still says "New Green Bo"

We went to Nice Green Bo, formerly New Green Bo.  On principal, I have to love a place where when they changed the name (probably for legal reasons), they only changed one word so that they could just replace that one word on the sign vs. the whole sign itself.  And I also love that it’s a backlit sign, so when it’s lit at night, you can still see the outline of “New” under “Nice.”  Economical.  Oh, and a disclaimer about how to eat soup dumplings: although this method works, I have to admit that I always forget to do it.  Every single time.  I’m usually fine right up until I order, and then my body and mind know that soup dumplings are coming and they go crazy.  My stomach growls wildly and my mind just chants, “soup dumplings, soup dumplings, soup dumplings…” over and over again.  So by the time they arrive, I’ve lost it and just bite in, always burning my lips, which are then sensitive and raw.  Once I throw spicy, ground chilis in oil on my dumplings and take my next bite, slathering the capsaicin-goodness all over my mouth, I end up with giant, Angelina Jolie-esque lips.  Fine by me, but my mother is strictly anti-Angelina.  She just can’t forgive her for stealing Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston.  No soup dumplings for Angelina!

crab soup dumpling

crab soup dumpling

Anways, we ordered both the pork and crab dumplings with a delicious side of tender, sautéed pea shoots (highly recommend you try).  You can taste the seasoning of the wok – I want to steal a well-seasoned, Chinatown wok so I don’t have to wait the 5 years it takes to create that kind of yumminess.  When the soup dumplings arrived, I tried to warn Hayley, but she bit right in and burned her lips.  She’s my kind of eater.  After that, I took her through the steps:

picking up a soup dumpling

1) Use your chopsticks to carefully pick up the dumpling from the top of the pouch, where it’s thickest and there’s no liquid.  This way, you don’t pierce into the dumpling and loose all of that delicious trotter broth.  Place the soup dumpling in your spoon.

pork soup dumpling

pork soup dumpling

2) Bite just the top of the dumpling off where the steamed dough is gathered.  This is where I always get hasty and bite too much, resulting in hot trotter broth burning my face.  This bite should only have steamed dough.  If you end up sealing the sides of the dumpling by biting it, use your chopsticks to gently open the dumpling back up to expose the pork/crab and broth inside.

crab soup dumpling open and ready to be garnished with vinegar, soy sauce, and spicy chili

crab soup dumpling open and ready to be garnished with vinegar, soy sauce, and spicy chili

3) The open dumpling can now cool while you replace its heat with crushed thai chilis in oil, and further season it with soy sauce and vinegar (mixed for you, but being the salt and tanginess-fiend that I am, I always add a little extra).

hayley biting off the top of the soup dumpling

hayley biting off the top of the soup dumpling

4) Point the spoon towards you and take a bite, allowing delicious, spicy, tangy trotter broth to pour into your mouth with your crab/pork dumpling.  Chew.  Enjoy.  Be happy.  Be thankful you’re not on a juice diet.  Don’t slurp out all the broth on that first bite, or you won’t have enough for that second and final bite of happiness.

delicious pork soup dumpling.  had to really restrain myself to eat half and take this picture before downing the whole thing.

delicious pork soup dumpling. had to really restrain myself to eat half and take this picture before downing the whole thing.

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Unfortunate Cookie

The other night, my husband and I took my friend, Keiko, out for Chinese food to thank her for juicing her arms off for 5 hours.  Keiko’s petite, but my girl’s got guns.  Oh, and Keiko only volunteered to help me juice after 8 hours of eating and drinking… mostly drinking…  which explains why in the world she volunteered at all.  I don’t think she follows my blog because she asked a mutual friend, who works with her, whether or not I was still on the juice…  No doubt hoping that I hadn’t broken after she had juiced for hours.  So nobody tell her…

Well, after a delicious meal of soup dumplings (I’ll post on how to eat them without burning your lips off next week), Japanese eggplant (although they called it Chinese eggplant and I call it Vietnamese eggplant), and sautéed pea shoots, it was fortune cookie time!  We didn’t even get to play the game where you put the words “in bed” after each fortune when Keiko opened hers and said, “Uhhh, I think there’s something wrong with my fortune…”  She read the fortune out loud: “If it seems fates are against you today, they probably are.”

unfortunate cookie
I couldn’t stop laughing, not only because of the odd, fortune-cookie-grammar, but also because this was my fault in one of two ways: 1) I had given her the fortune cookie, which probably meant that this “fortune” was meant for me or 2) This referred to the fact that she was stuck with me ALL DAY and that I made her juice beets in her sundress.  Either way, she laughed through her frown and no one ate the cookie after I insisted on placing it on the table to take a picture.  So not only did I make her juice all day, I deprived her of dessert.  Before you all start shaking your heads at how terrible of a friend I am (which is true), I did buy her an ice cream.

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Yup, you can all start saying, “I told you so.”

Well, I’m out. I’m off the juice. I didn’t even make it 2 days. At about 9pm last night, I crashed. My head, a little foggy all day, felt both like it was floating away AND like someone was chiseling at it.  Then I felt nauseous and freezing cold. Right about then, all I could think was, “Mindy, this is the worst freaking idea that you have ever had.”. And trust me, I’ve had a LOT of bad ideas.

Luckily, my friends Annette and Angela were watching me and immediately sprung into action when, as Annette said, I turned green. Angela watched me as Annette ran and grabbed me some hot vegetable soup with lardons of bacon in it. Awesome. I had dreamed of breaking my diet with bacon and those dreams were coming true.

Unfortunately, I then ran and grabbed some pad thai. Delicious, but maybe not the best idea for someone to down after 1.85 days on a juice cleanse. My stomach cramped and my jaw started to hurt. And my head started to hurt like crazy.

What have I learned?  If you can juice cleanse, good for you. If you’re me – screw it.

my last "meal" before jumping the juice ship

my last "meal" before jumping the juice ship

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What I’m planning to eat when I “stop the insanity”

My friend, Nick, is throwing a HUGE cookoff event at The Bell House in Brooklyn this Sunday.  It’s called the Brooklyn Beer Experiment and will have both a home-brewer’s competition and a cooking competition with beer as the main ingredient, à la Iron Chef.  Nick’s like the Cookoff King – he’s been competing for the last year and placing Top 3 every time.  He decided it was time to break off and do his own thing and true-to-form, is taking the Cookoff concept to new heights his first time out of the gate.

I’ll be there helping out, so I hope to see you!  If you can make it, please remember to buy your tickets before you go as it’s selling out quickly: The Brooklyn Beer Experiment

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Day 2 on the juice: why am I doing this?

It’s really not that bad…  but as I sit and sip my first batch of green juice for the day, I can’t help but wish I had a cheeseburger.  One thing that being on this extreme diet has taught me is how incredibly addicted to food I actually am.  It literally consumes not only my waking thoughts, but my dreams as well.  Last night, I dreamed of eating macaroni and cheese with hot dogs sliced into it – something my babysitter used to make me as a kid for lunch.  We’re talking blue box mac & cheese at that.  For some reason, I loved it and to this day, just the thought of it is comforting.

That must be a sign of how disturbing this diet is for me to be dreaming about something that makes me feel comforted and carefree.  The hunger pangs aren’t as bad as I thought they were going to be, but just thinking about all the different types of food that I want right now and can’t have is like mental and emotional torture!  Garlic mashed potatoes and crispy fried chicken would be amazing right now, not to mention that biscuit on the side…  Last night, I could swear that one of the storerooms at work smelled like pizza, only to have an intern look at me like I was crazy and say, “Maybe it’s because you’ve had nothing but juice because I don’t smell anything.”  And as I’m sitting here typing, I swear I can smell brioche dough proofing.

I think about abandoning the juice-ship every other minute, but I’m more convinced than ever that I NEED to make it 5 days.  The fact that I’m not as hungry as I thought I would be just goes to show how much extra food I put into my body because I WANT to, not because I need to.  Will that help me practice moderation once I’m off this thing next week?  Probably not.  This whole diet just makes me realize how much food means to me.  It’s my friend.  It’s my hobby.  It’s the meaning of life – to make food, enjoy food, share food with others.  I’m reclaiming a greater appreciation for food that only comes with restriction.  It’s thinking about how decadent and delicious that first piece of food is going to taste, how it’s going to feel to chew or crunch it, that’s allowing me to slowly sip my swamp water and actually enjoy it.

I will say this, I feel extremely alert, have never slept better, and my sinuses are completely clear.  My sense of smell is either improving or is delusional, smelling what it wants to smell, not what it actually smells.  And my vision seems to be improving as I can see every, leftover crumb in the couch cushions… Yeah, I actually considered eating a dirty crumb for a split-second.  But I didn’t, ok!  So don’t judge!

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Day 1/2 of juice cleanse: not so bad… yet

This feels a little like the plot to a horror movie. I’m the mad scientist, forced into self-experimentation because I’m not able to test on human subjects.  My friends and family have begged me not to go down this path, but I won’t listen. No!  The experiment must go on!

juice ingredients

And like those movies, my experiment has started off pretty well. It’s Monday morning and I woke up excited and invigorated by the challenge ahead. I’ve had a little stomach-grumbling, the worst of which happened when I lifted my arms up to wash my hair, elongating my torso, forcing me to confront the angry, burbling sounds coming from my empty/annoyed stomach. Ok, no problem!  I’ll just keep my arms down by my sides… all week.

sink full of ruffage

So far, I’ve had my morning energy “tea” of warm water, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper.  That’ll wake up your digestive juices and your sinuses.  Next, I “enjoyed” the core drink of the juice cleanse: “green juice.”  We juiced kale, swiss chard, spinach, something called “Japanese Vitamin Greens,” parsley, apples, and ginger.  My friend Keiko (who had no idea what the Japanese Vitamin Greens were even though she’s Japanese, leading me to believe that the Green Market is pulling a fast one) thought she might try the juice cleanse with us and came to help me juice on Saturday. Since it was finally my turn to play mad scientist, she had to fill the role of Igor:). We headed to my school (they have a juicer – I don’t), filled a giant sink with the 2 trash bag-sized sacks of veggies and apples, and got to work.

Keiko - the most adorable Igor ever.  Yes, she's standing on a pot.

Keiko - the most adorable Igor ever. Yes, she's standing on a pot.

Remember when I said that I thought juicing the ingredients myself would save so much money over paying $65/day?  Well, I’m not so sure.  Keiko and I juiced for FIVE HOURS.  Oh, and before I added the apple, I gave Keiko a taste of the kale/spinach/swiss chard/parsley/mystery vitamin green juice.  She quickly decided to abandon the juice-cleanse-ship and begged me not to go further.  I did, momentarily, rethink my decision as I, too, tasted the opaque-green liquid.  It tastes like, I imagine, dredging the bottom of a swamp with my tongue and smelled like a freshly-mowed lawn.  My stubbornness won out and I pushed further, deciding that I hadn’t done all this work for nothing!

five hours of juicing

If you’re going to challenge yourself to both juice-cleanse and make your own Swamp Thing mixture, I’ve broken down the ingredients below for a daily dosage, vs. the 2-person / 5-day amount that I made on Saturday.  To be fair, I did make a couple of other combinations (stay tuned), but the Slimer drink was definitely the most tedious and time-consuming.  I recommend skimming the dirt-flavored foam off the top and then passing the whole thing through a sieve to get rid of the chunks of mulch.  Add a little fresh lemon (a LOT of fresh lemon) and cayenne pepper as well – the spice & tanginess seem to mask the swampiness.  It’s really not all that bad.  n the end, both Kim and Hayley (who I convinced to try this yesterday!) said that our little Green Goblin was… fine.

Swamp Thing Closeup

Obviously, I recognize the serious potential for disaster here.  I wouldn’t have compared it to a horror movie if I didn’t.  I’m waiting, cautiously, for that moment when the hunger pang hits and I’m transformed into a monster (probably a green monster as all monsters are) and the angry villagers start chasing me with pitchforks.  When that happens, I just hope I have time to grab a snack before running away.

Kim wore green today to celebrate Juice Week

Kim wore green today to celebrate Juice Week

Swamp Thing “Green Juice”
Serves 2… barely.  Yields about 4 cups.

½ bunch    Swiss Chard
½ bunch    Kale
3 cups         Spinach
½ bunch    Parsley
3                  Apples (I used Granny Smith)
¼ piece     Ginger (peeled)
-Lemon (to taste)
-Cayenne (to taste)
**You can add beet greens, collard greens, cucumbers, celery, etc. to your juice.

1.    Place all ingredients in a clean, plugged sink and fill with water (or any vessel large enough to allow items to float at top).  Agitate to shake off dirt and debris and let sit for 5-10 minutes.
2.    Remove ingredients from sink, shaking off excess water, and drain (unplug sink only AFTER removing ingredients or you will redeposit dirt onto your food).  Roughly chop ingredients to fit your juicer.  Even if your juicer can handle whole apples, I recommend cutting up all leafy items & herbs – the fibers got caught around the juicer I used.
3.    Skim foam from the top of juice and discard.  If your juicer doesn’t have a strainer, pass juice through a sieve.
4.    Season with fresh-squeezed lemon juice and cayenne pepper.  Serve immediately over ice and “enjoy.”

(Note: The only reason I was able to juice for an entire week is that I had access to a vacuum machine to remove oxidizing air from my juice.  I don’t recommend that you keep this juice any longer than it takes you to finish drinking it.)

Swamp Thing

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I Googled myself and found out that I’m a female dog…

This is kind of great in a, “should have figured as much” sort of way.  Someone was searching for my blog and could only find the Cooking Issues blog that I write for.  Huh, that’s interesting.  So I Googled “Mindy Lvoff” and found the same thing – I keep coming up under the Cooking Issues posts that I write.  So I decided to Google “Mindy, recipe for disaster” to see if I could find my blog that way.

Well, this came up as the second match in google

Picture 1

It’s a story about someone buying a dog, naming her Mindy, and finding out that she’s an absolute… disaster.  She quickly gets labeled as a “killer dog,” even though she doesn’t kill anyone, and terrorizes the owner’s village.  At one point, she runs around, nipping at a shepherd’s flock of lamb (where the hell is this place?  we’re not in NYC anymore) and refusing to stop until her owner literally throws herself onto Mindy to restrain her.  All I could think while reading was that I, too, enjoy lamb.

Feel free to read the little story, but it ends sadly with Mindy being trained into an obedient child, I mean dog.  I wonder if my father wrote this as an exercise in creative writing.  Mom, feel free to comment on this post under your usual name: “Anonymous.”  It’s really a story about crushing the spirit of the dog – personally, I thought she had a lot of character in the beginning of the story when she was a wild, unmannered, female dog…  But the owner says that if she didn’t train her, someone was actually going to “shoot” Mindy.  Again, where the hell is this place?

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Going on the juice

Remember way back when I started this blog?  I mentioned that I was on a diet, which I subsequently broke 1 post later.  The situation is getting a little out-of-control now.  Somehow I went from being on a diet to gobbling mass quantities of cheese when I’m not on the all-carb diet, and then washing it all down with copious amounts of cocktails and wine.  How bad is it?  Well the skin on my hip bones is now chaffed from being stuffed into my jeans like the muffin-topped, walking-sausage that I now am.

Drastic times call for drastic measures, and those measures go by one name: JUICE.  Yup, I’ve decided to go on a juice cleanse.  Nothing but juice for 5 days.  Being cheap, I’ve decided to make my own juices vs. spending the $70/day.  I’ve also enlisted the help of my friend and library-master, Kim.  We will be using her willpower to push us through this week as I don’t know what that word means.  I’ve only used it in phrases such as: “I will power my way through the rest of this fried chicken even if it kills me.”

Kim and I stopped by the green market yesterday to pick up the necessary “greens” for our core drink.  After we were each carrying a giant bag of Kale, Swiss Chard, and Spinach, we both exchanged the “look.”  I have a feeling that we will be swapping “the look” many times over the next week – a mixture of, “are you sure we want to do this?” and “this is a LOT of ruffage…”

Actually, I’ve gotten a lot of “looks” and “comments” after telling people about my idea.  My husband laughed and said that he gives me a half a day before I down a cheeseburger.  Yummmm, cheeseburger…  Nils said that I’m already cranky now, so why would I want to do something that makes me worse.  Dave said that if I get snappy, he’s going to get help and then feed me until I’m human again.  There were some other comments in there that I won’t mention, but let’s file them under “potty humor.”  With my history of flying into hypoglycemic rage if I haven’t eaten in 20 minutes, people are… nervous.  I don’t blame them.  I think I may dim the lights in the library all next week and put signs up that say, “Beware.  Librarians on juice cleanse.”

So if my posts seem a little angry next week, it’s just because I’m hungry…

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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have…

…if you don’t know how the rest of that song goes, please immediately go online and watch a few episodes of “The Facts of Life.”

Today had all the makings of a typical disaster… and now that I’m writing this post, I’m almost guaranteeing that it will end in disaster as well. After trying to take a cab to work to save time, just to get stuck on the FDR behind an accident, forcing me to get out of the cab on the FDR and walk to the nearest subway stop, I arrived at school wishing the world ill.

In the midst of photographing and taking video of Chef Nils for his upcoming debut on Top Chef Masters, I got a text from my friend who works in high-fashion. It said, “In my office, I just overheard someone saying, ‘that model has fat knees.'” I love receiving random-rumination/just-overheard texts in general, but the content of this one put it over the top. Any model that is working for his label is definitely crème-de-la-crème, so I’m pretty sure that the “fat” on her knee is just her patella, and is therefore physiologically necessary.  How rough is it when someone tells you that you need to drop a few bones cuz you look fat?

So I replied back to that text: “In my office, I’m putting more fat on my knees by eating the steak and vinegar-infused french fries that we just made.”  Which was an awesome text because it was true.  And my office is a cooking school.  Yes, I’m poor as dirt, but somehow that little text managed to put everything in perspective.

 

i also get to work for this guy.

i also get to work for this guy.

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